19 December 2002 - 03:04
current mood: lactose tolerant
current music: joni mitchell, you turn me on i'm a radio
so i went by VOX and met the sarah today. it was such post-modern goodness to actually get to see her, word. we headed off to little 5. we ended up on couches at charis, she reading lesbian comix, me devouring orgasms for two. gotta be prepared, you know? and whilst there, and later on during the day, i realised that i shouldn't fuck someone just because i think i should. and, maybe my desire will change somewhere along the line, maybe i'll see the cam and my loins'll ache for his manly wiles, but truth be told, i don't want to be penetrated. i'm not sure about that whole G-spot thing they keep making a fuss about. I don't really give a damn, clitoral orgasms are good enough for me, as i've had some damn good ones. i feel so broken and soiled already, i just don't want anything else in my cunt. i know all this time, i've been steeling myself up, like it's something i just have to do. but i don't know if i could live with myself if i did it and really wasn't down with it. i mean, i'll already be screwing around with divine disapproval anyway, why add insult to injury? but, like i said, i could get there and be overwhelmed with desire--i suppose we'll see.
i know a big reason for it. i'm big on committment and monogamy. and whilst i allowed for the possiblity of fooling around with people, i've had too many bad experiences...and i know that deep down, i'm wanting to "save myself" again...i'm sort of waiting to be in a really committed relationship with somebody. preferably marriage, but who the fuck do i want to marry? or, rather, who the fuck would want to marry me, you know?
and i've had my share of screw-ups. but it's a new ballgame now, and i'm just not comfortable with "hit and run, just for fun." that's why i got so freaked out when mike reached for the condom. i knew, knew there was no way i was climbing aboard anything of his. hell, i didn't even want to touch his penis, but i think that was mostly because he grossed me out. Cam doesn't exactly gross me out or anything. I am curious about how i'm going to feel in person. i mean, i know we'll get along well and everything'll be great as far as our dynamics. i don't forsee any problems by any stretch of the imagination. but i wonder what things'll be like physically, you know? i mean, i'm not too worried looks-wise. our photos and the cam likely do us justice. i doubt we'll run screaming from each other. i know i look cute and all, and apparently everyone seems to think i've been looking quite fly lately, between my hair and makeup and the way i carry myself and all. and he knows that i think he's just adorable...be's just an adorable guy. he has the cutest smile, it just makes you want to smile. i love that thing he does with his eyes, it's cute. Sometimes, when i'm typing stuff here, i almost forget that he's going to read this. But i don't write it for him, i write it for me, and if he likes it, great, and if he doesn't, he can stick it where the sun don't shine.
i started scraping at my skin today in the meeting. there's a little scar developing where i broke the skin. it's along that vein in my wrist. i wish i had had a pin or something to scrape with but i didn't, so i used a sharpened fingernail. Mel thought iw as itching and offered lotion. i refused. after a while i got bored and just stopped, but i wanted to continue later. i haven't.
after the sarah i cam back here to hang out before meeting. i was sorry i missed the cam, but it's not like i had much to say. and i guess i don't really. i mean, i hope he's doing OK and i want to hear about him. He seems like he's holding up pretty well, actually, which is a Good Thing. Amy seems quite golden these days, which is also a Good Thing. Stuart...like i said before, i don't hate the guy, i'm just not crazy about his methods, i think he could've been a hella lot more respectful about it. I long to give him a mouthful, but it's just not my place, and i really don't know the circumstances. And there's a part of me hates sue.
i hate her for her size, i hate her for...i'm not sure. i'm just angry. i'm angry that she and sut just do their little thing up in cammie's face. i mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
at some level, i'm angry that she turned away from him. i mean, on the one hand, it would mean that the cammie and i might never have met, or we might not have become as close, but...i guess that's how much i love him. i would rather everything have been OK in his world and he be happier. And if his staying with Sue and things continuing on "happily ever after," then so be it, i would turn back the time and fix that.
i have a real problem with those two parading their lifestyle before him like that in HIS house. and i'm jealous, too.
Why can't somebody think of me like that? Why can't i mean the world to someone like that, you know? Why can't someone be trying to win me, win me back, wonder what ever went wrong that they lost me?
Jane's not exactly sitting over there going, "Damn, now how am i going to win that girl back?"
I talked with Mel some about my feelings, i acknowleged that i've felt things for women...but i didn't tell her about relationships, as that would've signed my death warrant. She admitted to feeling similar things, despite Byron. She didn't make me feel horrible about it all...I felt better. And maybe there's hope for me somehow, who knows?
I worry that the cam will worry, worries too much. I mean...about my eating stuff. i don't want him to worry. But i'm having serious thoughts of going back to my dark pth in January just like i originally planned. what plan was that, plan G? i don't remember. Alls i know is that it's appealing. And it makes sense to me, and it's what i know. i can't comprehend school without an eating disorder. And i need one to cope, to feel less cluttered. And i need one, because i can't take me looking like this. And i don't want him to worry, and I want to be alive and everything, for him, for me, whatever.
He'll see me soon and so he won't worry so much 'cause he'll see me and know i'm at a healthy weight and that i'm eating and such. And then when school starts, he doesn't have to know what i'm doing. He doesn't need to know about the measures i'll have in place. Maybe i'll be so ace he won't even be able to tell. I hope so.
i'm so sick of where i am now. just want to go to alabama, england, then back to school and back to Ana, i've missed her lots and lots...
i've got to flesh out my characters and the story more..Jane really liked it.
i feel like...i feel alone. even at adamsville. well, outside of like, melanie. i just feel...i don't know. people know me, people try. but there's something...i dunno. that's why i need the eating disorder. i'd rather just take the eating disorder by the hand and just die or something. i mean, what's the point?
mariah carey and boyz ii men:one sweet day (a cappella)
my stummie feels a little nauseous.
quite nauseous.
i'm so sick of this.
one sweet day,
yeah.
i'm going through the motions on everything, not really living, but he thinks i'm living and that's what matters, the more alive i am the less he worries. which is a good thing, right?
my arms are sore from lifting.
my biceps seem massive.
fiona apple: sullen girl
days like this i don't know what to do with myself
all day and all night
i wander the halls along the walls and under my breath i say to myself "i need fuel, to take flight"
and there's too much going
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
is that why they call me a
sullen girl,
sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
but he washed me shore
and he took MY PEARL
and left an empty shell
of me
and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
i can't stay here
i'm a mystery
crack the case and
then dismiss me
i don't deserve to live
i'm long, far gone
don't deserve companionship
i'm just left alone
her name is ana
she'll give me all i need
to her whispered instructions
i'll surely pay heed
maybe i'm an amalgram
a sum of all their parts
i cry their tears
i break their hearts
never whole again
never full, complete
only through self-destruction
can i be replete
you deserve so much better
than what i can give
for my indiscretions
i don't deserve to live
and so i will vanish
fade into the atmosphere
you might look my way soon
but i'm not really here
--the sara
