19 December 2002 - 22:26
i just got off im with elizabeth--that was kind of one of our running jokes. when we were friends back in high school, we made a listing of the "levels of friendship"...well, actually i guess it was more like the levels of knowing someone. level one was like, "when asked about the person, you go, "who?"
current mood: actually alright
current music: the cars: my best friend's girl
i talked with the cammie today. it was quite good and i'm so glad i called. the operator came on at one point in the call and i thought she said i had 9 minutes left so i got off the phone with him--turns out she'd said i had 29 minutes--so now i have 20 minutes of talk time left. i think i will actually save those for like when we get closer to the time of the trip, maybe wednesday if need be. the rest of the time i can save for when i call gramma--domestic minutes double on the card.
i was really irritated when he came on--i think i was annoyed that he hadn't come sooner, 'cause i had to go pick up melanie and angel. i felt kind of guilty for feeling that way, 'cause after all, he does have a life. but i was glad he came on anyway. but i knew i had to call him, i couldn't just leave things all weird and with him especially in a weird mood. he asked me on im like 3 times how i was and i wouldn't answer really--i told him 3 ways i was feeling and that still wasn't really how i was doing.
i'm not sure how i'm doing really. i know that some parts of me would like to close the jane chaptre of my life entirely, but i keep thinking on how i need a place for cammie to stay when he comes here, so why throw that away? that sounds pretty horrible, i know. i wonder if there's another friend that can put him up. *thinks* hmm. i know stephanie would let him crash on the couch, but i don't know if her roommates would go for it--besides, that's way in athens. *thinks* i doubt elizabeth's parents would go for it...let's see. stella might go for it, but i don't know if her sister would. Jane and Jim are about my best bet, and i can't be all, "OK, i don't want anything else to do with you...by the way, can my friend still stay there?" no, i don't think so. i can still pull away from her and be a little more distant.
current music: the cars: since you're gone
i don't have to go over there much or anything, just keep the lines of communication some open.
i just had a seasgrams. it was nice and all. i think i want some sugary junk now. that'll be nice.
eck. i'm sick of being here or something.
jane used to spend her summers in england with her grandmother. i'm sure that was kinda fun, but kinda weird, too. nova scotia was probably weird, too.
sometimes i envy white people.
current music: boyz ii men: cooleyhighharmony (it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday)
sometimes i hear this song and think of the stepfather. in some ways, i miss him. as screwed up as that might sound, it's true. in many ways, at least before the drugs corrupted him, he treated my mother really nice, and always held down a job. he cleaned the house, made sure it was clean, and took a real interest in her and me as people. OK, so he screwed up and did things he shouldn't've. so he had his faults. OK. no one's denying that, and he fucked with me and fucked me up in some ways. i think other relatives have done other things to fuck me up worse, in some ways. i miss him. in his own way, i think he loved me. well, until made him go away or whatever it is i did. i seem to be the queen of making people go away.
i never felt completely comfortable with him, though. i felt like i was always trying to win his affection, make him laugh, make him proud of me, i dunno. i always felt so funny being with him and walt--it was weird. i dunno. now walt's my cousin, which is even weirder. yeah, hello, white cousin. his little daughter, courtney, is adorable though. she's about 10 now, but when she was younger, maybe 3 or 4 she had the cutest little squeaky voice, and she'd say, "Sawa? SAWA!" (she couldn't say "Sara") it was the cutest thing, i tell you.
current music: brenda weiler: wait and see
so we're off to alabama tomorrow...and now i'm the driver 'cause Linda's sick. which is fine by me--i prefer to drive on road trips, anyway.
Mel and i were cutting a fool at our old hang-out, WalMart, justa singin' an' a harmonisin'...and now i'm picturing the Campbell glidin' an' stridin' and dippin' the hip...and that seems a funny as hella picture.
i'm going to go in the den in a bit to catch the news, the golden girls, king of the hill, and amen. a sundried assortment of shows, lemme tellya. my arms are still sore from lifting tuesday. crikey!
current music: silverchair: freak
i want ana back so bad it's not even funny. i talked to mel some today about it. i showed her the scab i have from cutting yesterday. it's a tender spot despite the scab. i'm going to carve up my left arm like a turkey at this rate, it has several scars already. i can count about 6. none of them are very big. my right arm has an old couple.they used to be more prominent but not anymore.
i miss ana like nothing on earth, i tell you. and it's going to be sooooo easy to go back to it when i get back. i'm going to step off that plane january 5th and do my thing, but the 6th, the pleasuredome begins again. i still have the diet pills i bought from last time, and plenty of caffeine pills also. i'm not buying anymore shit after this, 'cause it's like, OK, i have this trip, then i shoudl have enough shit around here to tide me until i leave for england, and then england, and i can eat whatever the hell i want, and then when i get back that sunday, i can eat whatever the hell i want. school starts the next day, and i can't fucking WAIT. i'll have my gym priveleges reinstated and everything...and after class i can walk my ass around and around and around...get off to a good start. and then tuesday my ass is gonna be gone to school from 9:30 to like 5 or 6...that's practically all day, then i have homework and such. *sigh* it's such a beautiful arrangement, and i don't care who knows or notices, i'm gonna do the becky. 63 pounds in 2 months, doable. only i'm going to go for about 83 in 3 months. hell, even 90, why not?
current music: kendall payne: perfect by thursday
things are going to be good. people don't understand and don't trust my methods, but i'm going to be good.
